Water Treatment To Include New Additive

An announcement went out to Dunellen residents this morning regarding a new additive to their water supply.

The additive, a bitter, white crystalline purine, would not change the taste or appearance of the water. However, according to the U.S. Water Corporation (USWC) spokesperson Hu Sreedinthiz, “those drinking the tap water would feel more alert and energetic.” This is because the additive, a methylxanthine, increases basal metabolic rate in adults and stimulates certain portions of the autonomic nervous system.

Sreedinthiz admitted the inclusion of the methylxanthine was a result of changing trends. “Tap water is no longer considered palatable by many of our customers. Even though the exact same water is available to them in a plastic bottle at a higher price.”

The cost of the additive, more commonly known as caffeine, will not be passed on to the consumer as it was expected that increased water usage would cover the extra expense.

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